The · Verge · of · Climactic · Anti-action

Someone broke my heart. And I feel as if I dont know who I am anymore. What purpose am i living for again? Sometimes I think that everything I'm doing is useless and I tend to lose my grace in working or concentrating on things. How can a boy break my heart? Maybe because i fell. Hard. Flat on the floor with arms wide open. Argh. I told myself once that this wouldn't happen again. But it did. Oh foolish girl who got kissed by a rose on the grave. (No one will ever help you stand up. You just have to do it on your own.) I can no longer play music, my piano has gathered dust on its keys, my fingers don't play with as much passion and joy as when I was with him, the boy i chose to spend my life with, and the same boy who tore my dreams and shattered my heart... who am I kidding? why make a boy take away everything and suck me dry? He has no right or power to do so. But no matter how many explanations and theories I can make up- one things for sure, he sure was good at making me fall into his pit of hell. Maybe that's just it! He's just a "Peter Pan" the boy who will never grow up and the boy who will always act so immature and insesitive! Argh. How stupid of me to love you,boy, it was all a mistake, and I regret the day I laid eyes on you! A liar! A scumbag! A thief! What more could a shamefaced human being do to supress me from happiness? Screw you, boy. No actually, screw yourself. So did i learn anything in this relationship that we had (or so you say)? Of course, I did. And that is to stay away from love. I do believe in love, and I believe that it isn't made for me. Better to have loved than not at all? yes, it's true. Fall once and never fall again. I might as well wait until I change my mind...sigh... again.

imagine this. dark party, bored people, bad situation. Suddenly, five stunning girls appear in all white. The crowd goes blank, time stops and the heavens open. Jessie, Karl, Lauren, MAriel and I enter. Who are we? Well, we are who you want us to be.Everyone stares and they are in awe with us. People were probably jealous (well who woudn't be?) and they surely found us intimidating (MEOWCH!) The dance floor was waiting for us, and my Bitangga shoes were ready to mingle. DAMN.

I am a crazy girl you see, I don't know whats gotten into me. Here's one. I'm out and I suddenly see my crush. I walk toward him. I know that were gonna bump.I didn't move. I wanted to bump him. And I did. STOOOPID STOOOPID GIRL. What a flirt. What was I thinking? I suddenly trip and he picked me up, and we approximately stared for at least 8 seconds (for me those 8 seconds were heaven) he gave me this I-know-you-yet-I-don't-know-you-look on his face. AH! He was the b'mate of my friend! shit, what a dilemma, I am a total bad girl.

Here's another one, Sir P asked us to write proposals and I wrote "Will you marry me?"- well, that was a proposal. tehee.

scene: the dance floor, some dude was making yabang his break dancing moves. I tell the ladies to watch me and I come in the circle and shake my shittakke-mushroom ass. Damn, I need to change my ways, there are actually more which I wont be able to spill because they would really freak you out. Anyway, I can't wait for Karlstyn, Jessie and Chuck's birthday, I surely know that it's gonna be FAB-OH!-LOUS. For the mean time, I need to find ways on how to control myself. I am wild, and I need to chillax and be a AUDREY HEPBURN.

Do you know that feeling when your just walking across a fine line? Like of the circus freaks?

Well, that's what I exactly feel about third year. Your whole depends on this fine line. And I always keep that in my head. LIFE DEPENDS ON FINE LINE *  LIFE DEPENDS ON FINE LINE *  LIFE DEPENDS ON FINE LINE  * LIFE DEPENDS ON FINE LINE  * LIFE DEPENDS ON FINE LINE * LIFE DEPENDS ON FINE LINE* AHHHH!This is driving me crazy! How am I supposed to handle the "pressure" or so they say? One slip of that Fine Line and I can't get back on, it's do or die,it's now or never. And what Do I choose? I WILL go forth. If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. I remember this saying: Destiny is that which we are drawn towards and Fate is that which we run into. - Wyatt Earp. i'ts all up to me. But regardless of what everyone is saying that could make me slip  from that Fine Line, I know that one day I would fall off knowing that I'm done with life.

 

    Okay, today was a wonderful day!

I noticed that the sun shone brighter and the clouds seemed happy to see me (oh, their bright  "blue-ness" makes me feel so warm and loved inside!)

I feel so happy!

My cat actually obeyed me today! He actually got off the couch like I commanded him to, Oh, I'm gonna make My baby FIGARO so FAT that I could bring him to CAT SHOWS and definitely meet guys there! HAHA. I'm queer. Maybe because I'm happy agian. Wherever I walked, it's as if Julie Andrews is singing me her song" my favorte things". lalala. What a wonderful day!

 

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You say potato and I say PATATO.

YOU SAY tomato and I say TOH-mah-toh

Potato, Patato, Tomato, TOh-mah-toh. Let's call the whole thing off!

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oh dear! I'm beginning to wonder if IM TURNING INTO A FREAK.

i GUESS i AM.

 

Today, we were talking about the usual, school, movies, exam stuff and of course, the never-failing-to-be-boring-topic: BOYS! Aha. Aha. Aha. 

 

 

Why are people still worring about their PDPs? Geez. I know I wont have so what's the use of finding one? Remember: FATE. I'm totally believing in it now. Why I wonder? Ask God.

 

P.S. Karl, LAury, JJ, Jessie Messie Kessie Alexie- guys, I'm not hiding anything form you!

 

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, I don't know if something horrible might happen and I'm sure I'd face another day with Indian speaking classmates.But. But. But, I will never put my head back down and say "It's over." Cuz, dearie---- It's just beginning. Aha. Aha. AHA!

Everyone has someone. Everyone has what they need, but I, I dont have what I need . I need myself ( at least for a while). What I need is not others, but my own time, my own space, my own life. No one controls it. Am I acting selfish? Or is this the reality I all have to face? I can't wait to get out of this situation. Turn 18 or so and have that damn life. I cant wait to be indipendent despite the worries and the stress. I can't wait. But that doesnt mean that I can't make this life now the best. I thought about this once: BLOOMING.
When will I bloom? When will Rose grow? change? OR be different from what everybody knows or expects from her? But I thought about it this morning. why can't I do this now? NOW! NOW! NOW! If I die in this very minute and God would ask me what I have done so far, I would be totally speechless. What did I do? SHIT, I didn't do anything at all. Why do I feel that I don't have a use? People dont need me. THey need themselves, and their so full of it! I remember 'About a Boy'-Hugh Grant's character says that his life is like a afternoon tv show, there are special guests, other cast members, but usually, he was the regular. The lead. And What the Hell am I trying to connect this to? I have no idea, Cuz Im fucking mad at this person. OR AM I just really jealous of his situation? I hate him. No, I shouldn't hate him. I PITY HIM. YEs, that sounds sooo right. So, since I am in a very air-headed phase right now, I want to say that I dont need your freakin' presence (all the time- bugger off!). I just need The Lord God,myself and my real friends for at least a moment in time.So please, go away!

Oh, I am so stressed right now, I need to find ways to be gentle so Mrs. B could just approve. Darn't. Anyway, yesterday, or awhile ago, Mariel and I went to Greenbelt for Tums' birthday. You see, the thing was that we had to wear pink for Tums and the most hilarious thing was we looked like the "plastics", plus Rice and Anton were totally twins- same hair, same polo, same way home, same way going there, but different height (bwahaha). That morning I spent my time just talking about the monolouges inMacbeth - The raven hiself is hoarse...oh, well. No pain, no game. Went to shang this morning, and I made a prepostion to and for myself. That if a super hot guy passed by, thy Rose shall not stare for more than three seconds, thy Rose shall look away, far from the temptations hell provides.(This Shakespeares driving me mad!)And wow, when I finally gave up on guys, it poured men yesterday and today, but no, no ,NO!!!! Thou shall not. Studies and GOd first. I had this dream, I died and God asked me what I had,(not thinking of the material things)-I had nothing. I always said that I was responsible, sweet, kind, understanding, blah blah bla bla bla bla. But then, no, I realized that tis' not true, maybe it was a sign from God that I need to rethink and replenish all those negative things, because someday, I will go back to that "dream" again and God shall ask me "What have you done so far?"

Okay, Its actually a friday night and I'm the loneliest person on earth. I just stayed up all night watching: strange ..with Erik Mana, he's trying to copy David Blane, I'm gald he thought of the idea of doing it here in MANILA. I am supposed to finish Macbeth by tonight (I did) But I seem to forget some words about it, because I still think of this BAD BAD thing I did, tsk tsk. Anyway, tomorrow is probably my last day to be free because next week is HELL week, God bless me. I need a break, maybe spend a week or at least a day in The Beach, you know, the sky's clearer and the stars are quite dramatic. Tomorrow is Tums birthday, I would be hanging out in Greenbelt with my friends just plainly having fun, or so I say. And hopefully, I COULD ENJOY MYSELF< THE FREEDOM OF BEING SINGLE. (bow) I would want to treat myself a cool Buko Pandan or better- Hot fudge Brownies topped with vanilla ice cream with peacan pies. Mmmm. OR wait, think about KNOWING THYSELF. ijust watched SATC awile ago (for all those oogles, its - Sex and the City), and Charlotte is probably the most dominant person I could compare myself with. She wants to "change her life" and well, so Do I!!!! SATC is the greatest, i love Charlotte, so conservative and deceivingly naive.( like me?!!!? not!)

Its a school night and just yesterday that I was the meanest bitch ever! My brother picked me up soooo late that my head was just gonna pop into bubblegum shit. I was so mad at him. " I'm so sorry, I was in school" was all he said, then he gave me his Bigmac! Awww, I felt so touched. Anyway, this saturday is Inna's competion and I'm planning to make a huge banner saying "Inna is my winnah!" but that sounded so weird-it super sounded like wiener! So I thought about "Inna is gonna beat you up"-but that sounded just plainly wrong! Then I realized that all I needed to do was to give her confidence, so... it's gonna be "GO INNA GO!" (oh, how creative can I get!) We had a circle of trust talk awhile ago, and Karlstyn and I were arguing (well, discussing) about "ignorance is bliss" -and I agree with Mrs. B and Karl, it's just that they both need to talk to each other. I signed up for Ym today (GoSH! I'm such a late loser!) I'm hotmail kase eh, oh well, I'm "IN" now. (HAHAHAHAHA!)I'm supposed to research about Chem IW but I seem to get distracted with these atrractive sites (dont worry, not porn!) I better go now, and finish my Lab HW (can I just add that I am so excited for this week!??!) tehee. I WILL BE A LADY> HOMINA HOMINA HOMINA.
Take care now, bye bye then.

Oh, dear! It's a sunday and I'm supposed to study by now, but, NOOOO! I was too invigorated to type in this Live journal, well, you see, right now,I am quite in the phase of "WHO AM I?". This sounds like the seventh grade thing, but trust me, I am still a girl. Yesterday, my guyfriend were texting then I realized, I do not deserve anyone at all(sigh!). I told him that I gave up with my boy hunting(SINCE i generalize that all boys are jerks and utterly vain-I JUST GENERALIZE!) and I'm just going to focus on something else, something less exciting. Like wasting my time here in this journal.Or start developing a relationship with my chemistry book and an affair, the world history textbook. I am not a lady at all. I just read the book of manners, and can I just add that I am way far from being a lady!whaa!!!! SO NOW< I am still in the "accepting" stage. I bought this book from Natio, hoping to make me Happy, the title is -Inner Beauty. Im still at the beginning of the chapter learning that God made us through his image and likeness, therefore, we are like God!(Amazing! Simply amazing!) Anyways, I can't start confessing my sins right here and right now, I have got to get moving!